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Flattening the Curve

How to level off your pandemic quarantine weight gain


Some of us may have gained weight during the coronavirus pandemic quarantine. Well, some of you. I’m a professional. If I gained weight it wouldn't be good for business. I’ve actually never looked better and unfortunately no one will see me other than my dog Teddy (who has been extra clingy lately and I fear is sniffing out coronavirus on me).

It’s time to flatten the curve. Of your body.

Put on pants.

Not wearing pants might set a lighter tone to a zoom meeting, but it’s all fun and games until it’s time to meet your online quarantine boyfriend in person and you can’t get your clothes on. Never mind getting to the point where they may or may not be taken off.


Put on non-pajama clothes here and there. There are so many sales online. Order a cute outfit, cast the package aside for at least 3 days because surfaces are terrifying, and then try it on!

Toss the excuses.

Along with politely acknowledging your neighbor, or any other person you may come across, there’s no need for that here! Unless you’re an essential worker, “no time to cook” no longer applies. Between not juggling your schedule of work, kids’ activities, and social obligations, you’ve got nothing but time to cook.

Cooking from home with new ingredients (because everything familiar has been hoarded) is a great way to explore inventive healthy meal ideas, entertain yourself, and put the kids to work. I mean home school your kids with a cooking lesson.

I look to Pinterest for inspiration. Feel free to start on my page.

Try to go for a walk.

The hesitation of going in public (and by public I mean sparsely populated sidewalk or middle of abandoned street) looking like you’ve been sitting at home for 6 weeks no longer exists. You’re now required to cover your whole face before you can even press the elevator button with a surgical glove.

If the outside is just too terrifying because everyone looks like they’re either going to rob or operate on you, not to mention the whole getting coronavirus thing, there are plenty of options in-house. For instance, I lift free weights while watching the hottest new shows, like the Andrew Cuomo Coronavirus Press Briefing.

And let’s not forget: constantly running around disinfecting your house is a calorie burner.

Navigating stress eating.

I get it. Everyone’s on edge. We’re all using way too many flimsy Scott paper products, and no one knows for sure whether our neighbor’s respiratory droplets can or cannot linger in the elevator and infect us.


Luckily many therapists are offering Telehealth services, and many are even donating their time for free. For fellow New Yorkers, Governor Andrew Cuomo set up a free hotline staffed by mental health professionals to support those needing emotional support: 1-844-863-9314. Talkspace offers several therapy options as well.


Side note of danger: Going to the grocery can literally kill you. Maybe that will keep you from going on an unhealthy snack run. That or the amended hours.

In short, if I've learned anything from constantly watching the news in 40% off Ted Baker dresses it's this: Pandemic survival methods are really just questionable tips to curb overeating. Cover your face. Don't touch your face. Don’t go to the grocery. Don’t go to restaurants.

As the saying goes, Nothing tastes as good as not getting coronavirus feels.

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