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Juice Cleanses Are So Last Season

Fresh Vegetable Smoothie

BluePrint. Master Cleanse. Organic Avenue.

Juice cleanses are popping up all over the place. And they all have one thing in common: They are produced for the company developing them to make money. They were not actually developed to “cleanse” you. First, cleanse you of what? No one knows. Not even Gwyneth Paltrow. And second, there’s no evidence to support that they actually cleanse. Rule #1 in taking nutrition advice: It must be supported by evidence-based research.

The Mayo Clinic reports that there is no scientific evidence to prove that juice fasting provides any of the benefits that it is purported to. It will not reduce the risk of cancer, boost the immune system, aid in digestion, or promote weight loss.

If you’re trying to detoxify from your less than stellar diet, I have an easier solution for you: Don’t eat crap to begin with.

Those going on a juice cleanse to lose weight are barking up the wrong celery stalk. Juice cleanses are not a proper method in which to lose weight. We need a sufficient balance of nutrients, from all the food groups, to function.

Specifically, in the interest of cleansing, protein, carbohydrates and even fat are necessary to support the body’s natural detoxification process, which takes place primarily in the liver and intestines.

Protein is required for the activation of liver enzymes. In fact, fasting, which promotes protein restriction, can decrease liver detoxification and even increase the potential for more toxins to be produced. Protein restriction will also result in the loss of lean muscle mass. This may slow your metabolism, making it even harder to lose weight once you quit your juice cleanse halfway through – because it tastes disgusting – and start eating normal again.

Fiber, available in whole grain products, aids with intestinal motility, therefore supporting the passing of “toxins” through the bowels.

With the inadequate intake of fat you decrease absorption of the fat-soluble vitamins A, D, E, and K. Low vitamin D is already an increasing concern among Americans, and vitamin E is an important antioxidant.

Weight loss on juice cleanses is largely related to water loss and decreased calorie consumption. What’s going to happen right when you go back on your regular diet? Anyone who has juice cleansed before knows the answer to this. You gain weight. It is your overall diet you need to change; adopt healthy eating behaviors so you can not only lose, but maintain weight loss over the long run.

Before I get too carried away hating on juice cleanses, I’m going to let you in on a secret my gastroenterologist told me. And by told me I mean handed to me on a piece of paper and forced me to do against my will. If you’ve never had a colonoscopy you probably have never done this, but then again you’ve also never been cleansed - no matter what Blueprint and Beyoncé will tell you (love ya Bey!).

Before you have a colonoscopy you have to empty out your bowels entirely. A colonic, a colon cleansing procedure that I first learned about in the HBO movie Gia starring Angelina Jolie, only clears out your colon partially.

The colonoscopy cleanse clears you out 100%. Like they say, nothing tastes as good as thin feels, except Gatorade and white laxative powder.

Behold the colonoscopy prep.


  1. 2-32 oz. bottles of Gatorade, any flavor (except red if you’re actually prepping for a colonoscopy!)

  2. 238 gram bottle of Miralax


  1. Pour out a little Gatorade from each 32 oz. bottle to make room for the Miralax. If you pour out too much you can always put some back in (unless it went down the sink).

  2. Then pour half of the Miralax into each Gatorade bottle. Yes, you are drinking the ENTIRE thing. Cancel your date for later.

  3. Shake vigorously until thoroughly mixed.

  4. Refrigerate if preparing in advance or simply pour over some ice to start immediately. Just like your vodka, it tastes better on the rocks.




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